THE ELDEST SISTER

I was in the house, waiting for the rain to come.

I was looking at the sky as I always do, as I always have.

I was looking at the sky and also at the land where it slopes gently away from the house, the road that disappears down there behind the woods.

I was watching. It was evening. It’s always in the evening that I watch, always in the evening that I linger on the doorstep and watch.

I was standing there as I always stand, the way I always have, I suppose.

I was standing there, and I was waiting for the rain to come, to fall over the countryside, the fields, the forest, and bring us appeasement.

I was waiting.

Haven’t I always been waiting?

(And I thought to myself: “Haven’t I always been waiting?” and it made me smile to be looking at myself like that).

I watched the road, and I was thinking too (as I often do in the evening when I’m on the doorstep waiting for the rain),

I was thinking of the years we’d lived here like this, all these years,

you and me, the five of us, just as we are and just as we have always been,

I was thinking about that,

all these years we’d spent. And wasted, for we have wasted them,

all these years spent waiting for him, our kid brother, since he left,

or ran away, or deserted us,

since his father kicked him out.

Today, this very day I was thinking about that,

this very day I was thinking about that,

all these years we’ve wasted, not going anywhere any more, just waiting

(and again – perhaps - I started to smile at myself, watching myself, imagining myself that way, and even as I smiled I was suddenly on the verge of tears; I was afraid I might break down)

All these years spent waiting. Years wasted doing nothing but waiting without ever getting anything, and with no other goal,

and I reflected, only today, yes, I thought about the time I could have spent far away from here,

escape,

the time I might have spent living a different life, in a different world, or my idea of one,

on my own, without you, without all of you,

all that time that I could have been living differently, simply, without waiting, not waiting round for him any more. Under my own steam.