Excerpts



Scarcely inside, the Theatre Manager introduced me to them, the Ambassador struck a pose and made two or three remarks to me on the quality of the performance. He himself, about ten or fifteen years earlier, had been posted to a Central European country, he wasn't an ambassador yet, no, it was under the previous government, what he said was that he himself had seen the same play in a completely different production, he was not absolutely certain that it was the same play but he was certain, on the other hand, that it was a play by the same author, and all of this playwrights plays are constructed, when one thinks about it, but he admitted he was not a specialist and that he wasn't really interested in the theatre or in literature in general or, in fact, even less in this particular author, all of this author's plays are constructed, are they not, on the same model, the same structure, that's the right word, it's a question we must ask.



The customs officers asked me a lot of questions about the reasons for this trip, why I had gone to Amsterdam for two days with so much medicine in my bag, with no luggage and just these art books in French, such big ones, in two volumes, and this book on Escher in Dutch. Did I know how to read Dutch? I could feel the sweat running down my neck, I was tired, I was aching all over, I wanted to sit down , to lie down, I had gone to The Hague to celebrate my birthday, I had scarcely been in Amsterdam, just long enough to arrive and to leave again, no time at all, it was to The Hague that I had gone, a play that I had directed was being performed at the Theatre Royal, yes, the theatre where the queen sometimes goes, on occasion, no, the queen did not come that evening, it was my birthday, after the performance, I was given this enormous art book in two volumes, in a presentation box, which my friends had brought by train, from France, across Belgium, and the other book, in Dutch, no, I dont understand Dutch, but its a highly illustrated book and I will look at the pictures, this other book was given to me by some teenagers from a high school in the suburbs, no, it was not a birthday present, no, they had no way of knowing, it was a thank-you present for what I had said to them about my work. They didn't think that I couldn't read the words but for them too, at their age, the pictures are what is important, I believe that, teenagers love Escher, perhaps you, too, that hand drawing a hand drawing the hand that draws itself... Perhaps I look a little strange, I dont take drugs, never in my life, I've never gone in for drugs, no, if I look strange, it's because I'm a bit sick, I've hardly had any sleep because it was my birthday and I have a tired eye which stops me from concentrating properly. All this is not very complicated.


Antoine the Handsome was waiting for me with the staff. I knew immediately that this was not a good sign. I had scarcely been taken into one of the rooms in the day hospital when they all came in and immediately said: "We have to talk to you". Since we had last seen each other, they had the results of my examination and as a group, the decision had been taken in common, they had decided to keep me from that afternoon on. I was in a really bad way, perhaps I didn't realise it myself just how bad, like those other times when I didn't want to hear about it we were not going to talk about that again but we were, I liked that "we", him and me, them and me, we were close to a serious accident. Me more than them, no, me more than you, I said that to ease the atmosphere but no-one laughed, we didn't insist.What we had tried in December had done no good at all, things seemed even worse, and they weren't going to let me leave again, it was too great a risk. I replied that I hadn't foreseen this. He smiled kindly. That I hadn't foreseen this, I had to get organised, I couldn't stay from that afternoon, it was impossible, inconceivable, I had things to do, but next Monday, if they liked, on the condition that I could rehearse in the evenings, etc …
(…)



I could go to rehearsals, I had permission, it was the Paris revival of the other show, I had to come back at about 8pm for the second drip, then go out again, rehearse in the evening and then go home to sleep. Starting from Saturday, I was to be treated in my apartment. We went to work down there, near the rue de Reuilly, A. came with me, and although he had nothing to do with this story, he stayed to watch from a corner of the hall. Two new actors were replacing two of the previous year's cast, I explained the movements already made and their partners, E. and a young fellow helped them. It all went well. Everyone found me cheerful, I felt this and in fact I really was, strange as it may seem. (…)

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